Couples and Relationship Counseling

 

In relationship work/couples counseling, I want to help people develop healthy connections and attachments to the people they love and to themselves. I believe that my clients are the experts in their relationship, and it is my job and honor to help coach and guide them into more effective ways of relating. Many of us were not given models for what a healthy relationship looks like, nor how to disagree in ways that feel fair and just for everyone involved. Much of my approach to couples/relationship work comes from PACT and Stan Tatkin’s work on attachment (his book Wired for Love is a good place to start.)

Have you talked about your shared values? Essential aspects of your relationship that will help you keep your relationship boat steady when the waters get choppy? Proactive planning for big life changes such as moving in together, buying a home together, getting pets together, and/or getting married can help folks learn and practice the skills when life gets difficult.

I see couples at my North Portland office for therapy, I find when possible, in-person couples sessions are optimal.

I also see couples via Zoom for all other Oregon and Washington state couples.

Issues to consider in your relationship:

• Do you protect each other in public and private?

• Are you the go-to people for everything?

• Are you both available to each other 24/7?

• Does your relationship come first, before other people?

• Are you both at the top of the food chain?

• Do you fix problems between you quickly?

• Do you both repair injuries right away? How do you and your partner(s) fight? Do you have agreements about you approach disagreements so they feel win/win? Are you able to focus more on the HOW you fight vs WHAT you fight about?

 

Help learn how to create your ‘Shared Values of Governance’- creating a contact between partners that is balance, fair and just. It is based on your personal and shared values, and will help you understand what you can expect from each other. It can challenge you to live up to your best intentions for each other and for the relationship at all times.
Examples of contracts that couples might agree to:

  • When one of us is in distress, the other acts quickly to relieve or reduce that partner’s distress.

  • If one of us is ever tempted to cheat, that partner will disclose their feelings rather than act on them, and the other will listen without rushing to judgment.

•We will serve as each other’s primary go to person.

•We agree to wait to have a child until we feel we are both comfortable in our careers.”

•We will never let our in-laws play us against each other.

•Events involving our immediate family — our children, parents, and siblings — will take precedence over other events.

How will the two of your support each other as you navigate a world that is not supportive of LGBTQIA people and their relationships? Learn these tips early so you will have them at the ready when you are challenged as individuals and in your relationship.